PAP IMPOSE CHASTITY BELTS ON ALL MALE MEMBERS AFTER DAVID ONG SEX AFFAIR

by Wan Dan Liao, Straight Times

SINGAPORE - PAP MP David Ong's extra-marital affair and subsequent resignation from Parliament shocked 70% of Singaporeans who voted for the PAP during GE2015. Such unbecoming behaviour ran the risk of discrediting the PAP and tarnishing it's squeaky clean image. To shore up voter confidence in the party, the PAP has implemented a new Chastity policy with immediate effect.

At a hastily arranged press conference, the mood was sombre among PAP members, most of whom felt ashamed at David Ong's betrayal of their trust. When the press conference finally started, the message was simple, the PAP will never tolerate such indiscretions again and will implement draconian measures to ensure party members stay in line.

Party spokesman Mr Bo Sio Gan announced: "From 13 Mar 2016, all male PAP members will be allocated high-tensile steel chastity belts equipped with in-built GPS tracking devices. Whenever, a PAP comrade steps out of his home, he is required to put on his chastity belt without fail. The steel belts will come in 3 different colours for members to choose from.

Failure to comply with this new Chastity policy will result in severe punishments or even expulsion from the party. All members are required to comply with this new directive, be it the PAP Secretary-General or any newly inducted members, nobody is exempted"

This shock announcement was met with groans and shock from the PAP faithful. Sensing discontent in the crowd, Mr Bo quickly added: "This is for the survival and whiter than white reputation of the party. This will be what our Founding Father Lee Kuan Yew wants to see, for us to unite and purge the scourge of adultery from within our party. After Michael Palmer and David Ong, our beloved PAP can ill-afford another fallen Men In White, so hold your peace and march on for the party. Majulah PAP! Majulah Singapura!"

Disclaimer: This piece was written by satirist Wan Dan Liao for the Straights Times. You must absolutely believe what you read.